Comprehensive doctrine

Today, D sent us a quote that really resonated:

“What do you want – the pain of staying where you are, or the pain of growth?”

For so long, I have been terrified of abandoning a comfort zone I have long outgrown. To save myself from the terrifying prospect of Change, I have tried time and again to delude myself into believing I have good reason to stay. But increasingly, the insidious weight of stagnancy has been bearing more insistently upon me, especially as I watch more average peers move on to better places.

Frankly, I’m scared shitless. Scared of the pain of stagnancy. Scared of the pain of growth. Scared of the pain of not making the right decision fast enough. And, above all, scared of who I have become and who I might well continue to be: a sniffling, unhappy coward with no drive, no courage, no ambition.

So I guess the purpose of this post is to remind myself of the 16 year old girl who was brave, full of wonder, and who dared to dream. The girl who envisioned a bright, meaningful future far happier than the unhappy childhood she had lived. The girl who believed in herself. Somehow, somewhere along the rocky path to adulthood, she evaporated, along with my faith in a just and good God, my lust for life, and my sense of self.

In a philosophy class I took in uni, we learnt about Rawls’ theory of a comprehensive doctrine which, on an individual level, is our Theory of Everything – our set of moral, metaphysical, religious, ethical, and political beliefs which form our conception of Good and inform our judgments on life. Like its name suggests, one’s “comprehensive doctrine” undergirds each and every one of our views.

To cite a recent example, my cousin, a staunch Christian, doesn’t believe that technology will one day be able to isolate or replicate one’s “consciousness” for uploading onto a cloud which ensures immortality (à la Black Mirror’s San Junipero). It was apparent to me that his view is a manifestation of his comprehensive doctrine that God created man to be mortal and to have a soul (because I too have similar-ish beliefs). The idea that our consciousness / soul can be converted seamlessly into a series of codes and uploaded onto a device clearly contradicts our comprehensive doctrines so jarringly that we must reject it out of hand.

I was recounting this incident to M and mentioned that while it should be self evident from the very term “comprehensive doctrine”, I’m only just starting to fully appreciate the practical manifestation of it shaping all of one’s views on everything under the sun. He dissected it so well:

“Our beliefs don’t stand alone but each is mutually reinforcing of other beliefs in an interconnected web we call our belief system.”

So anyway, the reason I brought up the concept of a “comprehensive doctrine” is because it occurred to me that the evolution of my own comprehensive doctrine has indisputably influenced my emotional psyche.

To elaborate, I once believed in a Just and Good God. I had faith that my life had meaning and purpose because that there was an omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenelovent God who watched over and had Plans for me, “Plans to prosper [me] and not to harm [me], plans to give [me] hope and a future”.

Now, I have a much more nihilistic worldview/comprehensive doctrine. I *think* I still believe in the existence of an omnipotent, supernatural creator (or “God”), but I no longer believe Him to be just, loving, or good. How can I when confronted by the myriad injustices of life? (Yes, I am aware of the Christian defence that we live in a broken world due to the Fall of Man but I find it difficult to buy into that theory – topic for another day/post though.)

But back to the topic: I *think* my current comprehensive doctrine is that mankind was created for mere divine sport and so our lives unfold in a haphazard, amorphous mass with no real meaning to be divined, and life is neither fair nor just nor meaningful because it was never intended to be. And this depresses and scares me like fuck, because according to this world view it means:

1. nothing is guaranteed – not happiness, not the future, not even divine retribution; and
2. our lives have no meaning.

Oh how I envy those with blind faith.

To sum it up, I think the minor depression that has taken unyielding hold of me in recent years stems from my recent-ish shift towards a nihilistic worldview.

Or it could well be one of those chicken and egg / vicious cycle things where the two mutually reinforce in a never ending downward spiral.

[On that note, the irony is that M shares a rather similar Theory of Life (save that he’s agnostic about the monotheistic, human conception of God) but is happy precisely because of the very views which cause me deep grief. He reasons that “purpose” is something one gives inanimate objects with no agency. For instance, a spoon’s purpose is for us to scoop rice. But as beings with agency, we choose our life’s paths, unconstricted by purpose. And that, to him, is freeing.]

But to return to the original topic: I am scared because I no longer believe a good and just Divine Being oversees and cares for me, my future, and my happiness.  The future looks so hazy. But that said, perhaps it is high time I take (baby) steps to confront it head on. After all, if it’s true that God doesn’t care, I might as well start looking out for myself.